I-know-that-I-know-that-I-know-that-you-know

i woke up okay today.

I don’t know how to start this but yeah the way I feel I guess.

Atm the way I feel about us is that I find myself looking back on the way we use to be not the way we are. Believe me when I say the things I mean and say are all meant humbly and without harm.

I feel like a day or two without me wouldn’t impact you at all or at least not the way it would if it were me. When you’re away you are all I think about. I think about what I could talk to you about or what I could show you, experience with you.

I think a thing we keep doing wrong is that we keep comparing past relationships with what we have now. Or when ever well sometimes this happens alot. We will be having such a nice time then you would tell me something about your ex and I know I can’t even begin on this because of where we live were my past is kinda always around but if I were you I’d be more understanding. But you are not like my past relationships. And I am not like yours. I’m a very complex hard person to get your head around but once you get the hang of it you will get the rest.

I know I do wrong after wrong and I feel as though since that night we went out to the bar is the night I ruined, and scared our relationship for good.

I wish that I could show you what I was like the year before. Or even before I met you. Then you could see how I have grown and changed in a way I wish I met you earlier so that I would have stayed away from the mistakes I have made prior. Although they helped me grow up a little.

I hate when my past impact the way we are in the moment where as I would never let your past hurt our future. And I know I’ve done some pretty harsh things before. But I was so different back then Daniel trust me. And I know that sounds silly but from doing such dumb stupid out there harsh things I learnt alot of lessons and changed the way I was year by year being a dumb teenager drastically.

Something that I think be both need to understand is that I’m only 18 still. And by that I mean I am changing drastically as you have said and I know you can help me grow but Daniel I in a was need to grow without your assistance.

I feel hurt when you say that you were look for someone to character build with. To me it tells me that I’m not that one. I myself am character building. And if you were to ever leave. I’d be lost.

I just feel like the little sweet things you’ve said to me before like you’ve already said before to others and I’m just another one of them nothing special. Where as the things I do and say and the way I am. I’ve never been like with anyone else before in my life ever and of course that would be true since I’m still on young.

I think the reason why I get so heated when we argue is because one. I’ve never agued liek this before. I’ve never agued in a relationship before and because I’ve never cared or been so scared to lose someone before.

I always reflect on what you would be like without me. And it kills me when I realise that In a way. You’d be more happy with “the one. The right one” the one that exactly like you or even better. The complete opposite to show you a different perspective. A positive perspective.

Hmm maybe we just need to figure out what to do. New things or old. Like walking with to the lookout gazibo. Like the night we met. Or maybe we need to start again I don’t know atm.

If you want to do this then I’m all in.

This is the night you said to me

I don’t love you anymore

You’re not my girlfriend

I never want to be with you again

I don’t ever want to talk to you again

I never want to speak to you again

And more

I feel nothing if I we to be stabbed over and over again. I can’t say id feel it the least or show emotion what so ever. And to me feeling nothing is worse than feeling pain.

Since you left. I have no idea of what to say. What to do. But I knew this was bound to happen I’m too young. Dumb. The perfect victim for you. You knew what you were doing and you knew it was evil so you decided to hide the guilt behind a cloak of insecurity.

Weather or not we will be together I know that is night will haunt me for the rest of my life.

No matter how many times I could be be told that I am loved.. I will never believe it. I shall never let anyone in. I shall grow on my own. I have learned today that we are all alone. No matter what. Nothing in this world is solid. Love isn’t real and I shall never be stuck in the psychotic realm of the lies of “love”

-The Shawshank Redemption